Perfectionist Sports Kids Who Are Easily Frustrated by Mistakes

Often, we hear from sports parents who say that their young athletes seem to stop trying after they make a mistake or two during a game or performance. Suddenly, they seem worried, tense and are playing or performing in a tight manner. Many sports parents are perplexed by their kids’ behavior in games.

Does this sound familiar in your situation?

These kids are often very comfortable in practice, but freeze up during competition. They don’t seem to be able to trust in the skills that they learned during practice. Something seems to hold them back from performing like they do in practice.

Often, these sports kids possess a number of positive traits that help them excel in sports.They work hard, attend practices regularly and expect a lot of themselves

Unfortunately, however, their perfectionism can undermine their confidence and cause a lot of heartache when they under-perform.

Worst of all, they try too hard to avoid making mistakes. They scold themselves for goofing up. They become frustrated quickly.

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If you’re a parent or coach with kids who are perfectionists in sports,
what’s the most important question you have for us about perfectionism?

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Please post your questions here about perfectionism and young athletes! We’ll give you some sure-fire tips for helping your perfectionist young athletes learn how to make the most of their potential!

Thanks!

Sincerely,

Patrick Cohn, Ph.D., Mental Training Expert
& Lisa Cohn, Youth Sports Parenting Author

©2022 The Ultimate Sports Parent by Peak Performance Sports
https://www.youthsportspsychology.com
https://www.peaksports.com

55 thoughts on “Perfectionist Sports Kids Who Are Easily Frustrated by Mistakes”

  1. I will get the ball rolling… My daughter, age 9, plays rookie tennis. She sometimes gets upset when she gets behind in the tennis match. She often wants the perfect set – no dropped games. What’s the best way to keep her head in the game if she dwells about dropping a game?

    Patrick Cohn

    p.s. This is a true example of the messages we would like you to post here about perfectionism in your young athletes.

  2. My 8yo son plays ice hockey for a successful travel hockey team. He is one of the top skilled players on the team – when he is ‘on’ he is aggressive, handles the puck beautifully, and scores.
    It doesn’t take much, however, for him to completely fall into what appears to be a self-loathing slump. He skates slowly with his shoulders down, doesn’t try, and will actually cry on the bench. It could be a missed scoring opportunity, or messing up a drill and being corrected by the coach.

    My son loves hockey – I am very careful about giving him options; to play, not play, take a break. He can’t seem to see past a momentary setback. He can’t give himself a break and stay motivated to overcome.

    How can I help him help himself?

  3. My 10 1/2 year old son plays baseball on a travel team. His desire to not make a mistake is killing his confidence and causing him to really fall apart during games. Once in a while he’ll pitch a great game, but those games are getting further and further apart. More and more, he acts like he is miserable because he is not hitting. We can’t get through to him and he just can’t seem to work through it.

    How can my husband and I help him?

    Nina

  4. I have coached young children for many years and ran a C3 Non-profit for approximately 4 years involving youth sports. Not trying to sound “cocky” but I feel that I have done well in the children that I have coached. I have done my research and homework over the last 12 years on everything from youth injuries to burn out to just plain having fun. I currently coach a travel team that is very competitive. I understand the pressures involved for these young guys. They are 9 and under. My question is that I see a couple of awesome kids, one in particular, who really falls apart and cry in pressure situations and from any mistakes. Until I read the intro about being a “perfectionist” I have often attributed the crying to any reason other than being a perfectionist. So, what are the “sure-fire” tips to help me help them? Do I allow this and just keep encouraging them to always do their best (doesn’t seem to work), or do I take a firmer ground to “not cry” (doesn’t seem to work)? One time I put a blown up cartoon in the dug out that was two kids walking on the ballfield, one with his arm around the other and the caption read, “Don’t worry, the game isn’t over till the coach starts crying.” It actually worked and helped. I lost it several years ago and I can’t find it anywhere. I even looked online. I think it was a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon. Like I said, there is one awesome, intelligent (very intelligent), and very athletic child who plays for our team that has some concerned parents. I have thought about keeping him out of the pressure situations but he has to play and will continue to play for me or someone else, and regardless I love this kid and would love to be able to help him overcome this issue.

    -Shannon

  5. Shannon;
    you are describing a very familiar situation. As a long time volunteer coach and often parent coach I try to explaing to the kids individually and collectively that crying about disappointment rather than injury, in the middle of a game is a very selfish act of disrespect to teammates. I further try to explain that when crying and pouting, the child is not performing up to their abilities, thereby detracting from the teams efforts and competitiveness. While this seems to make sense to the kids, it hasn’t gone too far in stopping the crying. A few times I removed kids from the game until they are finished and are mentally prepared to get back in. The problem, at least for me, is that sometimes the coaches don’t notice it, or sometimes it is a matter of degrees and seems like a moment istead of an episode. Have you heard of any other good techniques?
    Don

  6. My son played 11U travel baseball this year. He has always had trouble handling mistakes during play. I have tried each of the strategies mentioned by Don, but it seems the more we try to work him through it the more anxious and upset he becomes. I think just ignoring it and making him work through it on his own is the best strategy.

    This year after an error in the field after which he was visibly upset, the coach removed him and switched him to right field. He did not return him to the same position again for the rest of the year. I think this impressed on my son that a mistake would be punished and he seemed to have a more difficult time for the rest of the year with controlling his emotions. He would shed a few tears after an out, and toward the end of the year after strikeouts would cry in the dugout.

    At the end of the year the coach told us that even though he was one of the best players, he was no longer welcome on the team because his crying was a distraction to the other players.

    This seems counterproductive to me, that he will be more anxious about his performance since he has now been “punished” for these issues. I am not sure how to approach this issue with him.

  8. It is funny that this thread is being started as it fits my daughter to a tee and I am actively searching the web for ways to help my daughter. She is 8 years old and excels in every sport she plays. She gets no pressure from us at home, but puts a tremendous amount of pressure on herself. She has always been the top soccer scorer on every team that she plays on and has a gift with soccer. However she will have anxiety attacks before games if she is playing a difficult team or even an older team. She shuts down and the moment her team gets down by a point the tears start to come. She has recently started faking injuries when she is extremely frustrated to get off the field. We have tried everything to help her and she always says I do not know why I cry, it is my body that makes me. She rehashes the games over and over and thinks about it all the time. This competitiveness has served her well throughout her sporting but it is starting to become a real problem for her. She told me that she cannot live without soccer (that is an 8 year old point of view) but she does not know how not to cry. She would be crushed if we ever pulled her from the sport and I know this personality would arise in any sport she played. On a side note she would be miserable not playing a sport. I am not a competitive person so I do not know what to do to help. If she sits on the bench and regroups that will help, but she hurts her team when she pulls antics like this. I would love to read a book or have some thoughts on how to get in her head and help her.

  9. The coach of this team is discraceful. ” he is one of the best players but is no longer welcome”. What kind of a youth coach is this. I feel for you and your Son Calvin.

    I have a son Damon (just turned 11) and he plays soccer. He is naturally gifted. He (like me) is a perfectionist. When things are going good, he is the best player to have. He will destroy defences, with ease. However if things are not going good, he is the worst player to have. He gets frustrated if he hits the post , or gets beaten in a tackle. His head goes down ., he looks angry , doesnt chase. All things you shouldnt do.

    I too (as my mother says) was frustrated and angry all the time, but I would work harder and keep pushing until the final whistle. At present, the only thing I say to him when he is on the field and upset is ” Dont worry mate, just keep going, or Head up mate”. This appears to have an even more negative effect on him. If you leave him to his own devices he will go the rest of the game like this. The coach tells me to leave it, as it makes it worse. I have told the coach that the moment he everts to the wrong behavior, you should take him off and discuss things with him. then tell him to let you know when you are ready to play again. He won do this as my son is the main goal scorer for the team.

    What can I do. I feel that whilst he loves the game , it is hurting him as a child to be frustrated and angry all the time.

    Cheers,
    Paul

  10. My 4 1/2 year old son begged to play hockey… so we sign him up for Mighty Mites, instructional type of hockey so he can learn the fundamentals of the game. He went to his first “practice” and he barely tried. He didn’t skate as well as he could, he didn’t hussle (like he would at home, or with his dad on the ice), and he cried. We never pushed him to play hockey or we don’t care if he doesn’t want to play, I just feel he should finish his 12 week course we signed him up for, then decide. I don’t want to give him the idea that it’s okay to quit. But he keeps telling me everyday he doesn’t want to play hockey (which I don’t udnerstand because he begged for it and he plays it in the driveway all the time!)

  11. My son, who is now 11 years old, has always had pretty good success in sports. Won the states as a ten year old in wrestling, played major league baseball as a 9 year old, I think you get my point. Part of the reason he has done so well is his desire and work ethic.

    He has always had an issue with showing his emotions if things are not going his way. This could be in practice if he doesn’t perform a move perfectly, in school if doesn’t get the perfect grade and I am confused on why he has set the bar so high and I am starting to get frustrated with this behavior. I have always expected him to work hard, respect his coaches and give his best effort, but never on winning or losing.

    I struggle with the fact that in reality his is really good at everything thing he does, and younger kids look up to him and he still lets his emotions get in the way.

    I have tried multiple approaches in trying to curve this behavior and nothing seems to work.

    Any suggestions you may have would be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks

  12. My 8 year old son loves football . He is the best player on the team , but he is a perfectionous . In the game if he misses a flag on defence or if the receiver misses his pass he cries . My husband gets mad says he’s going to pull him out if he doesn’t stop . He has had 2 games and both have spent in misery . i try to point out all the good he did , the olny one that ran to score points for his team ect . I just want to fix this , do not wwant to spend another sat with him so sad and my husband so angry . what do I do to end the crying ????

  13. I have been looking for answers and just came across this site. My 8 yr old son is a climber and all of the above responses decribe him to a tee! I need to know how to help him as he wants to compete but when he does, it involves tears and lack of focus. Today he climbed 4 routes with his coach that he failed during the comp last weekend. As a parent, I need to figure out how to deal with this and be supportive.

  14. My daughter is 11 and a naturally gifted Ballet Dancer. She has auditioned and been invited to attend prestigious Ballet Schools to study. Like all of the kids above, I think she too is a perfectionist. She will be dancing beautifully and then will make one mistake and will let it ruin the whole rest of class. You can see it in her body and on her face as soon as she gives up. I have tried positive talking, I have tried working with her at home on particular exercises. I think that the food she is eating sometimes contributes and I also think that hormones are coming into play. In her dance class they can been viewed at any time by other parents, so she feels like she can’t try her best because if she fails someone will comment. I also find that the kids that excel the most are criticized the most so it is harder for them to make mistakes. My daughter loves dance and has repeatedly told me she won’t quit and that if I take her out I am ruining her life, but sometimes I feel it is such a sin that a kid has to be under that much stress. She was meant to be a dancer, and this is the biggest hurdle she is going to face – becoming self confident in herself.

  15. First let me start off by dating thank you to everyone for sharing their stories! My son is 9 years old and we have similar issues with him when he plays football and Basketball. He is a skilled player but somehow emotions take over and its when he plays great or not so great. I did realize that he was a perfectionist but never see any other children acting this way. Its nice to know we’re not alone!! I will be trying your program and I hope it works but until then my question is do you continue to let them play these TEAM sports or do you pull them to get your point across?

  16. Karie,
    Can you be more specific about what you’re asking? Why would you pull them from team sports because they’re perfectionists?
    Thanks!
    lisa

  17. I have an 9 year old boy. He has one problem. He cries for every emotion. No matter if he is angry, frustrated, happy, sad, or whatever emotion he has he tends to cry. I am searching for solutions to help him with this problem and know how frustrating it is because I too used to have the same problem. He can be in the middle of a wrestling match winning and something will overcome him and once the tears hits he looses his focus. I am at wits end trying to help him come up with solutions to help. This not only happens to him in wrestling but football and karate as well. He is a perfectionist in school. Has ADHD along with some other learning disabilities but because of his IQ he is treated in school as an exceptionally gifted and talented student who has learned how to compensate for these problems. He is also a perfectionist. Any advice on techniques or programs to help deal with his crying? I want him to reach his potential and be able to help him when he asks me how to control this emotion but I have ran out of ideas.

  19. One thing you will find that if it is the coach’es kid that he most likely will be given more room for making mistakes in this regard. The coach is not going to kick his own kid off the team. However this is very frustrating for all involved.

  20. I teach figure skating and a lot of my students are within the age range 8-13 year old girls. I have a few students that cry uncontrollably after they make a minor mistake in practice. This has been going on for several months and almost seems to be contagious to the other girls around them. I have tried many different ways to solve this problem. I have talked to the girls individually, with their parents and as a group. We’ve talked about the problems their lack of inner control create on the skating. Skating is such a physical sport that when a child starts crying it is hard for them to control their bodies to do anything. It is a waste of their parent’s money, their own time as well as my time. Can you offer any suggestions in helping these girls break their habit of crying over silly mistakes in practice.
    -Kelly

  21. You have to start by managing the perfectionist expectations of the athletes. They become upset because they are not being perfect based on their expectations about performance.

  22. My 12 year old boy continues his pattern of crying or even getting angry when he feels he isn’t showing himself as doing well on the court or field. He does get upset when the coach says something to him in front if the team… Or he hates when a teammate tries to give him high fives when he may miss a layup or something … So he may “diss” them by putting up his hands as if to say, “don’t touch me”. It gets embarrassing as a parent. He overreacts when he’s doing quite well, but then maybe doesn’t hit the ball or strikes out… Or he trips over another players feet and falls and gets embarrassed.
    We as parents continue to give him the pep talks about ” it’s ok to make mistakes”, we need to move on to the next play,etc. , it’s not helping the team or being a team player , or ” what is a thought you could think to make yourself continue instead of losing it?” Maybe for a minute he gets better, then, the next game, it’s a repeat of the same event. Coaches are simply just not going to put up with this as he ages. I’ve seen my son even dissing his coach if he thinks the coach is in the wrong! Granted, sometimes they are… But, you can’t act like that in front of the whole team and audience.
    Would appreciate any advice you can give. Thank you in advance for your help with this matter.

    Graciously, Lin

  23. This is a big challenge for sports kids who are perfectionists. You are doing the right thing. I would also suggest helping him with his expectations too. The first chapter of The Composed Athlete and help him with this here: http://www.peaksports.com/the-composed-sports-kids-cd/. But he gets upset because his performance does not match what he expects of himself and what he thinks others expect of him.

  24. I’m not certain this is a perfectionist issue but my 4-year-old son is in his second season of soccer and he cries every time the ball is taken from him–he doesn’t even try to get it back. He simply has a meltdown. I speculate part of the problem may be his expectation that the other child is being mean by taking the ball from him, not sharing and all that. I’m not sure what the solution is and would appreciate your feedback.

  26. My 12 year old son is full of skill when it comes to football. He is a brilliant athlete also and yet when he is on the pitch and playing with his team he ends up running about the pitch crying and punishes himself immensely when things arent going the way he wants the game to go. His coach has told him on numerous occasions that if he had a better attitude he would go far in the game. We have had referrees speak to him at the end of the match who have told him that he is one of the best wee players they have seen at his age group but that he has to handle himself better. I really dont know what to do!!

  27. The first step is to help him manage his expectations about mistakes and winning. See other articles of this topic.

  28. My nine year old son is one of the best jiu jitsu fighters in his class. He dominates most of his teamates easily, including kids 3-4 years older than him during practice. When he does lose, he is very gracious about it. He voluntarily spends six days a week training and loves it. However, every time he goes to competition, as soon as his opponent has got the upper hand, you can see him physically give up. He cries uncontrollably if he loses, and has faked injuries during, and directly after the matches. This has become a huge problem for his coaches, because the refs are stopping matches thinking he is hurt. Afterward, he is adamant his injury was authentic, and always looks hurt and even more upset that none of us believe him. Is there anything I can do to get him past this, so he can compete with his team again?

  30. My son is 8 and plays baseball. When he gets out or when his team loses he has a total melt down. He will cry and run off the field and into the parking lot. Recently he has started throwing his helmet in the dugout. His dad (my husband) is his coach and this is starting to damage our relationship. Even though we make it clear we just love to watch him play he cannot handle his emotions. We have tried taking time off and having other coaches take the lead when working with him and we are at a loss. He is having the same reaction in other areas of his life and not just baseball. We are in an emergency situation.

  31. If this issue is present in other areas of his life and not just baseball, you might want to see a school counselor or psychologist that can help him with his emotions. Mental game coaching can only help with the baseball part.

  32. My son plays tennis 4 times a week, in his club performance squad and also regional squad.
    He is 10.
    However, a bad shot, a tough opponent and a double fault will literally have him crying his way through a match.
    He shouts at himself and his negativity is unbearable as a parent to watch.
    He had a lot of success until the age of 10 and now playing u12 tennis he is finding the competition great!!
    In a tournament today the 3rd game in the 1st set and it went deuce, His adv 6 times each time he couldn’t win the game and it went back to deuce he was shouting at himself and crying…but he did win the game…i was so thankful!!
    But this was the turning point at such an early point of the game and it got worse with the negativity, crying and he lost the match…a complete downward spiral!!
    I need help…I don’t know how to help him any more.
    He wants to play tennis it is his choice and I’ve told him repeatedly that he doesn’t disappoint me when he loses but he does when he behaves badly on court.
    Please help before he does give up as he is so talented!!

  34. My 10 year old son is very talented baseball player, the problem is if he hits the ball and he knows he is going to get out at first, he stops running. if he is pitching and the batter hits the ball and it is not fielded or the batter hits a home run, he cries, on the mound. If he strikes out, he is useless the next inning, as he is pouting in the field. If his team loses, its always his fault in his own mind. He doesn’t see others errors only his own and dwells on them. We have encouraged him, changed leagues, changed to positive coaching. We have put him in small group off season coaching, for positive experiences. I am at a loss. He has an awesome pitch, swing and love for the game but the negativeness is going to get him overlooked. He doesn’t show this in gym class. His gym teacher tells us he is an all around athlete. But in the rec league or travel team it is always there.

  35. Sometimes perfectionists with tank or give up if they can’t succeed. This is their way of saving face so they can say: I didn’t really try so it’s okay if I failed to get a hit.

  36. My 10 year old is a goalkeeper. If a goal gets scored against him he loses his temper and kicks the ground or the post. Sometimes it’s worse than others. Today he played outfield and they lost the first two games and again he got very frustrated and both coach and dad had to talk to him. He then went out and scored a goal and turned his game around which was great. I have asked my son, when we have been at home, about where he feels the pressure may be coming from. He said it wasn’t me or his dad or the coaches but from himself. He said that it’s the pressure of everyone watching, he wants to win. I must add that my son plays football because he wants to, not because me or his father put expectation on him. Its his own passion. My son is about to go to a new club which he is excited about but I’m starting to dread match days. we have tried calm chats and also ended up getting cross with him because he just shuts down……any helpful advice please!!

  38. My 9 year old son puts so much pressure on him self during baseball games that when he does not meet his expectations or the team is losing he becomes angry, upset and sometimes cries during games. This weekend my son’s team played in a tournament. They made it to the championship game, which was against a team that he determined they could not beat. He decided that he could and would hit a home run but when that did not happen he became angry and then started let it affect the rest of the game. This even reached a point where he started to cry on the field because the other team hit a home run. Because it was clear that he was no longer emotionally able to play the game, the coaches sat him for the last two innings. Is there a way to help him understand that not always meeting your expectations is okay and that losing is also part of the game?
    His father and I tried to prepare him before the game as we knew that winning the championship would be very difficult. We emphasized that even if you do not win the game, the only thing that matters is that you played your best. Was this the wrong approach? Should we have handled that differently?
    Thank you in advance for any guidance you can provide.

  39. Sounds like a good approach, but he might have felt expectations from teammates. And playing your best can imply expectations as well.

  40. my son is just turning 15, He is a state level/ ODP soccer player. The other kids on the team look up to him at all times. If he continually gets fouled in a game or a foul is called against him he goes into the ” that’s unfair” mode and can lose his temper and purposely foul the next opponent. We have tried to work on his ” perfectionist attitude” and not being too hard on himself and worked on aligning his expectations. He is never afraid to take the last shot and never stops working in a game but this lack of temper control when things are not going well is the main impediment to his game. He is also able to apolgize to his team after the game when he feels he lets them down. Just looking for ideas to stop or temper the anger issues during a game.

  41. Most often, this is a problem with high expectations that lead to feeling upset–when he fails to meet the expectations. Discuss the difference between goals vs expectations with him as a start.

  43. Hi my son is 5 years old and is playing rugby. He loves it but when it comes to the games on Saturdays he can’t handle when someone tags him when he has the ball. He runs off the field crying and screaming and we can’t get him back on. We’ve tried to explain its a game and it’s part of it and they take turns etc. It’s meant to be fun. Is it just that he’s too young or are there tips I can use now to better prepare him for sports now and into the future??

  44. He’s probably trying to be perfect or has high expectations for his game. He should just have fun with it and enjoy playing with the other kids.

  45. Hi my daughter is 12 years old and has played golf since she was 7. I have gotten her lessons and lots of playing time. This year we begun playing tournaments she practices and trains for every tournament. Every tournament (5) so far when she makes a mistake with the first hit it derails her for at least the first two holes. She begins by getting frustrated and blaming the caddie (me) by the iron choice. Than in the second hit, the tears star coming followed by more bad shots. As I tell her what to do, the tears are still coming and I remind her to focus and take a deep breath. I remind her not pay attention to the score at this point and that its just one hole and we have few more to change the tide. It becomes harder and harder for me to calm her down but after two wasted holes, she regains her confidence and begins to score under par. However, at this point the first two holes become a problem for her overall score to place in the top group. I would like some tips on how I can help her, just start out happy and not worry about the early bad shots before her round gets out of hand.

  47. My Daughter is 11 soon to be 12. She excels at most things she does. She is currently in a bowling league and plays basketball as well as other sports. She stands out from her peers and has raw natural abilities. When things are going good she is upbeat, positive, confident. When she doesn’t do well bowling she immediately becomes uncoachable and continues to spiral downwards. There is no talking her out of it. Her emotions take over and it ends up in flaring nostrils, frustration and tears. The same thing happens on the court, when her team is losing and things aren’t going her way like missing shots and turnovers she tends to start falling to the ground with a little contact and acting hurt. Tears flow and there is no snapping out of it. There are no other girls that act the way she does. We are trying to teach her about embracing the captain/leader role and explain having grit and embracing a competitive nature while keeping composure. Not sure if this is just something that is happening with her emotions changing or what. But the fact that it’s only her that does this makes me wonder. She said she feels a lot of pressure to perform and be good and when things don’t go her way she just loses it. Thoughts?

  48. My 8 yr old loves baseball. He plays on two teams. He’s really good. When the team is losing he starts mouthing off, throws glove, helmet and storms off. He ignore coaches. We’ve taken things from him talked to him asked if he likes it and it’s always yes. We are at a loss

  49. My Grandson is 12 yrs old very intelligent. He has never been able to take loosing. He has been this way from age 3. If I take him bowling or any competitive game if he looses he begins to cry and sob. He is currently playing baseball and if he makes any kind of mistake he cries and his composure is gone. I fear for his physical and mental well being. Can anything be done to help correct this problem?

  50. You want to help him manage his expectations about mistakes and playing his best all the time. Also, look into The Composed Sports Kid audio program.

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